January 23, Chicago-- This time it's not Kurt Russell that's raking havoc through China Town on the big screen, but a manic political campaign and various confused Chinese immigrants rallying throughout the Chicago Chinatown area this morning. Candidate later identified as Mobsav Man announced earlier today that after reading his Chinese horoscope, for the first time, he would be starting a last minute presidential campaign representing the party, "Coalition of the Dragon, Hissss!"
Running under the platform (or more of ranting and raving) of being,
"literally entitled to the presidency based on ancient Chinese astrology, look it up!" -Mobsav Man.
He insisted that he was contacted through the Yahoo Organization and was personally chosen by known mystical forces based on his "leadership" and "bad-assed nature" to lead this country into the future.
Before anyone could explain to him how horoscopes work he kicked over the microphone, began to dance around with a stereo blaring "Rack City" by artist Tyga, and started handing out coupons and campaign flyers. Several hundred homeless people and confused Chinese immigrants would soon after take to the streets rallying behind Mobsav Man chanting, "Join the Mob" "Dragon Force Unite!" and "Xīnnián kuà ilè!" meaning Happy New Year in Chinese.
As more and more supporters and/or confused Chinese immigrants joined the "Dragon Coalition Movement" the more traffic became congested around surrounding areas as well as coming to a full blown stop from 11am-2pm off W Cermack and S. Archer Ave. An even more confused police force and local officials would be caught off guard claiming that the Chinese New Year's Parade is not scheduled till the 29th of January and that they were, "in no way prepared for this." They also would go on citing it as one of the worst freak traffic congestion since, "84' when the Van Halen bus broke down on Canal St."
Chicago citizen and taxi cab driver had this to comment about the incident,
"What?!? Mobsav Man's responsible for this?!? You know it's bad enough that every time I pick that guy up, he's always coming out of a bar drunk! And, I'm always telling him to watch the curb when opening the door and he racks the door on the curb, every time! Every time he does it and then unsympathetically says, 'my bad...' (Exploited and Deleted) you, dude! Not to mention all the awkward (Exploited and Deleted) he says in the ride back. Like if I ever saw that movie Taxi Driver and that he wants to write a movie called Taxi Passenger that's kind of like Taxi Driver but just more realistic?!? Then he insists on 'pounding it' trying to get me to knuckle bump him like we're friends. We're not friends and I hate you dude! Coupons for taxi cab rides do not exist!"
By the time police and city officials got the situation under control and began dispersing people, the affliction would prove to congest loop traffic for 4 and 1/2 hours and cost the city countless amounts of money. Mobsav promises to make it up to the city in coupons while Mobsav Man's official statement on the whole ordeal is, "My bad..."
--Evan Tucker Mobsav.com
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